


I'm Feeling Like a Big Bang (Cause I've Been Making Something Out of Nothing)

by flamefox428



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Beca Centric, Beca wrestles with the concept of family, Bemily isn't the main focus but it's definitely there, F/F, insecure beca, lots of introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 11:30:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14043312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flamefox428/pseuds/flamefox428
Summary: And then everyone is hugging her and Beca can’t do this she can’t do it she doesn’t remember what if feels like to be in a family and she doesn’t know how to make it work and all at once her emotions are too much so she flips the switch and shuts them down and the thought comes again, unbidden and uninvited.Sometimes she wishes she never had to feel anything at all.-A character study told in snapshots as Beca wrestles with the concept of what it means to be part of a family again.





	I'm Feeling Like a Big Bang (Cause I've Been Making Something Out of Nothing)

**Author's Note:**

> I was in a mood and this was born of it. I was going back and forth on whether or not I should post this, but I agree that if you work on it, it deserves to be posted, so here you are. I don't really have an explanation for it, but I hope you enjoy it.

Sometimes, Beca wishes she never joined the Bellas.

The thought is like a planet out to orbit, every so often spiralling close enough for her to feel it, and feel it she does. It mostly hits her when she’s stressed, like when she’s behind on a set list and only wants to do her best but sometimes that’s just not enough. Or when the Bellas are fighting because it’s bound to happen with ten girls living under one roof.

Sometimes the thought comes to her in the dark, when her eyes burn and her head spins but she can’t sleep because everything is too heavy and full and _overwhelming_. She thinks back to when she was in freshman year, when all she wanted to do was run away and be a DJ in LA

Sometimes she still wishes she had done that instead.

She was so good at hiding her feelings back then. At packing them into neat little boxes and stacking them up and pushing them away until she forgot they were even there. She had been learning to do that since the divorce.

The thought always came to her in a split second that made her feel guilty and ashamed afterwards. This girls were the closest friends she had and here she was wishing she’d never met any of them. She loved them, she did. And she tried to show it as best she could, but sometimes that wasn’t enough either.

She loved them, but sometimes she wished she didn’t have to feel anything.

She just wished feeling things was…easier.

She hates the thought when it comes. It stuffs up her throat and burns in her stomach and feels heavy in her chest in a way that’s too familiar and all at once alien to her. When the thought does come, it’s like the flip of a switch, suddenly taking Beca from perfectly normal to adrift in a sea of nameless emotions in less than a second. When it comes and she’s stuck in that sea, all she wants is to be able to feel one distinct emotion. Anything that she can name and focus on and hold onto to keep her afloat, but it never comes.

Sometimes she wants to talk to someone about it, but she doesn’t know who. She could never tell Chloe about wishing she wasn’t a Bella. It would crush her. On some level, Beca knows Chloe would understand, but that would mean more feelings and Beca already has too many of those as it is.

She just wishes things were easier and that the vice around her heart would loosen even just an infinitesimal amount so she could feel something other than this.

More than anything, Beca questions her ability as a leader. She’s not driven and commanding like Aubrey, or gentle and encouraging like Chloe, or level-headed and laidback like Jesse. She can’t even organize her own life, let alone the Bellas. Sometimes it feels like they don’t take her seriously enough to lead. She doesn’t blame them, she feels the same way.

She’s happy when they don’t end up with any new Bellas at auditions. She’s still struggling with this…whatever it is…and she doesn’t need any new additions to cause complications. She doesn’t need anyone new to come in and inevitably be disappointed by what minimal amounts Beca has to offer.

But of course, a complication comes.

And it comes in the form of Emily Junk.

Emily is awkward and clumsy and she approaches everything with such childlike wonder that Beca is both terrified _for_ her and _of_ her. She smiles at Beca in a way that makes Beca’s stomach twist and flutter in a way that’s not entirely familiar, but not entirely different from how she feels on those nights when the thought hits.

Sometimes when she’s with Emily the vice around her heart loosens, just a little bit.

But then her internship starts and they fall apart on stage again and again and again and the vice grips her heart again.

/ / /

Beca gets through the year, and they win Worlds, and she’s happy. She feels accomplished and she’s pleased all their hard work paid off and then she remembers soft faces casting shadows in the glow of a fire. Gentle voices harmonizing and the feeling that her chest might burst.

And then everyone is hugging her and Beca can’t do this _she can’t do it_ she doesn’t remember what if feels like to be in a family and she doesn’t know how to make it work and all at once her emotions are too much so she flips the switch and shuts them down and the thought comes again, unbidden and uninvited.

Sometimes she wishes she never had to feel anything at all.

/ / /

They graduate and they separate and Beca really only sees Chloe and Amy now. She has a real job now and she pretends she knows what she’s doing and the thought only comes every so often. She doesn’t see the Bellas as much now, and Beca pushes any thought of family to the back of her mind where she won’t have to worry about them.

She texts Emily almost every day, because she misses her more than she’s ever missed a person before. Sometimes Emily will tell her that she’s nervous about being a captain, and that she doesn’t think she’s good enough like Chloe and Beca were, and Beca thinks that no one probably understands her more than Emily does, even if Emily doesn’t know it.

Then Emily texts her one day and tells her they’re having a reunion and posts it in their group chat and everyone is so excited. _Beca_ is so excited. The word _family_ floats around in her mind for a moment and she shoves it away, and the thought comes into orbit again and the vice tightens.

She sees Emily up there on stage, singing her heart out, and the vice tightens in an entirely new way.

/ / /

They go on tour and they’re all together again and Beca didn’t know how much she missed them all until they were back together. They make fools of themselves at the riff-off, and Beca is genuinely frustrated and planning their next move and thinking off all the ways she could destroy Evermoist when it occurs to her that she hasn’t felt this fire since the last time she performed with the Bellas.

The realization scares her, because she’s not emotionally prepared to deal with the familiar warmth that floods back into her when she sings with these girls. She’s not ready to face what the implications of feeling so safe with other people. Again, that word, _family_ , spirals around in her mind and she does her best to try to forget about it, because she doesn’t know what a family is.

/ / /

They’re losing the competition and everything feels like it did when they were being pushed around by Das Sound Machine. Just like then, Beca can’t help but feel like it’s her fault. If she were a better leader, if she were more driven and passionate and inspiring, they would be winning this competition.

Tensions are high and everything is going to shit and Beca can’t control her own group and then there’s ringing and Stacie and hushing and a baby. Stacie has a _baby_ and she’s the most beautiful thing Beca has ever seen and she’s a _Bella_ and Beca’s first thought is _one more Bella to let down_ before she can stop it.

Her eyes burn and her throat stuffs up again and she’s feeling too much and not enough and then the baby is crying and Beca thinks she might start crying too and then Emily is singing and it’s all Beca can focus on. Emily is singing and then they’re all singing and Emily looks at Beca and smiles at her in that way that makes Beca’s stomach drop and do somersaults.

The vice tightens.

/ / /

She says no to DJ Khaled. On the walk back to the hotel she thinks she’s insane for saying no. She calls herself an idiot for not taking a golden opportunity dropped into her lap. She had wanted to say yes, but then she thought of the Bellas and yes felt a lot like betrayal and that cursed word tickled the edges of her mind like a taunt and she said no.

She was part of a fam- group. She was part of a group, and she wasn’t going to betray them like that. She said no and Theo tried to convince her to think about it and she didn’t know what to do so she retreated and didn’t turn back.

On the walk back to the hotel, she thinks about what it could be like opening for someone as famous as DJ Khaled and finally having her dreams of making music coming true and the thought comes into orbit again and suddenly she feels sick. She feels selfish and entitled and hates herself for wanting to say yes.

She finds Amy in their hotel room and she bursts through the door and begins rambling, desperately wanting and needing to tell someone what had just happened but Amy is shushing her because she’s on the phone and Beca returns to her silent stressed pacing as she waits.

Amy is hanging up and moving frantically about the room and Beca is back to explaining but her tone is hesitant and unsure and it trails off as Amy throws harnesses and ropes at her and Beca looks at her in confusion as Amy herds her into different clothes and out the door and into a taxi and _kidnapped_.

The Bellas are being held hostage by Amy’s apparently evil father and the whole situation doesn’t feel real and all Beca can think is _family family family her family is in trouble_ and for once, she lets herself think the word without pushing it away.

The vice is so tight she thinks her heart might crack and break and fall apart.

/ / /

They’re soaked and shivering and swaddled in towels and they’re _safe_. They’re safe and Beca is still riding a panic induced stress high and nothing still feels real and never has she wanted to be a Bella more than she does in this moment because this is where she’s supposed to be and she would never let anyone hurt these girls.

Then the thought comes into orbit when she’s reminded of what she had meant to tell everyone earlier. She explains about DJ Khaled and is genuinely confused about the reactions they have and then everyone is crying and hugging her again and she’s trying to force back her own tears and she realizes that maybe this love and support she’s being given, even when she doesn’t deserve it, maybe this is what a family is supposed to feel like.

Everyone goes back to the hotel room to get some desperately needed sleep before the next day. It’s unspoken, but everyone agrees to pile into one room for the night, not wanting to be apart after the experience they had just been through.

The room feels too crowded and too full and so do Beca’s head and heart. Everyone is asleep soon after their heads hit pillows, and yet Beca has never been more awake. She crawls out of the bed, careful not to wake anyone, and picks her way across the floor to crawl into the armchair by the window. She curls her knees up to her chest and looks out the window, thinking about what tomorrow would bring. 

A soft voice calls her name and Beca looks down to see Emily blinking up at her with tired eyes. Beca looks into those pools of brown and feels tears prick her own eyes suddenly. Emily’s face morphs into a sympathetic smile and she lifts a blanketed arm, beckoning Beca closer.

Beca slides off the chair and slips into Emily’s arms and closes her eyes. Emily tucks Beca’s head into her neck and wraps her arms tightly around her and Beca’s body shakes with her silent sobs as Emily whispers sweet nothings in her ear.

She feels like she’s falling apart, but for tonight Emily will hold her together.

/ / /

She spends too much time deciding what song she will sing, but when she lands on it, she knows it’s the right one. A goodbye and a thank you and an I love you all in one. It’s supposed to be Beca opening for DJ Khaled, but she sings, and as she does she drags the Bellas onstage with her and she’s chasing her dreams and doing what she loves and she’s with her _family_.

The thought still scares her, but now she welcomes the thrill it brings. When they finish singing they receive a standing ovation and leave the stage in tears, hugging each other and holding on for as long as they can.

The second Beca manages to get away from everyone, she slows, catching her breath and watching everyone milling around, still crying and hugging and gushing over their performance. Emily is coming towards her and Beca opens her mouth to say something, but she is stopped by the passionate kiss that Emily presses to her lips.

The Bellas erupt into catcalls and squeals and whistles behind them, but Beca couldn’t care less. That’s what family did.

Her heart is full and for once it doesn’t feel like too much.

The vice loosens until it’s barely there, and Beca feels like she’s breathing for the first time.


End file.
